I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
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I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*
Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*
I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”
Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”
Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”
me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
[bank robbery]
OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money
hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
-Look Jim, I know you mean well, and asking people to help you write messages to your girlfriend is not exactly illegal..
-Right!
-But..
-Ugh, here it goes
-People seam to be scared when you stop them to ask questions, and you know why, Jim
-(drops his head) cause I’m a cop
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.
After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
Got my first dose of the vaccine and, so far, the only side affect I’ve noticed is something I haven’t seen reported (and it may just be my imagination), but I think the vaccine has made me better-looking.
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
*looks at calendar*
*looks at stomach*
*looks at calendar*
Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.
Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.