I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
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wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens
Recycling in 2019: I’m not an alcoholic haha I just had a party
Recycling in 2020: omg I swear I didn’t have a party I’m just an alcoholic
approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes
My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What’s your favorite kind of melon?
11: Post Melon
6:
Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
Ha
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
You know that scene from The Office where Kelly updates Jim on all the celebrity babies and he says “that’s great. What’s new with you?” And she says “I just told you.”
Well, that’s my situation every evening in my marriage but it’s Kate Middleton.
Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
girls literally only want one thing..
this is supposed to be an 18 year old