My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
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My dogs are so stupid. They keep wanting outside even though they know it’s freezing out and they want right back in in 5 minutes.
*gives them a cookie when they come in*
My dogs are so stupid.
My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir
It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage
ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii
Me: When I walk into the room everyone hisses at me
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like filling my house with vipers was less awesome than I’d imagined
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
ME: I found my old playstation2 in the garage. we can just wire it up to the PS3 and boom, PS5
12YO: that’s not how it works
ME: okay, smart guy. which one of us had a D in math?
12YO: both?
[Gender reveal party]
Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?
Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
Calling it Quarantine:
-boring
-sad
-lonely afCalling it house arrest:
-sounds like you do crimes
-you’re a bad boy now
-cool as heck
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.
Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.
When does CPR become necrophilia?
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it
People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.