If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
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I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
Me: Almost time to sign about us All Hanging Signs.
Her: Um, you mean Auld Lang Syne?
Me: Well, this is embarrassing. I mean, you should learn the words if you’re going to sing it babe.
The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”
Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.
My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.
‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
why do people say “he died in a bungee jumping accident”? it’s not an accident. he dove headfirst off a bridge connected only by an elastic cord. it’s an accident if he survives. say “he died while bungee jumping, obviously”
Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.
Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.
Her: Oh no.
Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.
Her: You already do that.
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.
God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.
Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.