No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
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Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
Researcher: The data are wrong so I sent Jenkins to the lab to review the calculation-process-thingy.
Assistant: Algorithm.
R: No you stay here and help me.
plant them where lol
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP
Me: did you actually brush your teeth?
11: yes
Me:
11: I did!
Me:
11: just maybe not all of them
Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard
Him: whatcha doing over there?
Me: playing on my phone
Him: oh yeah? What game?
Me: my favorite game
Him: which one is that?
Me: …Amazon
[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*
Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer
Every day of school:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP
Kids:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP5 AM, every weekend:
Kids [standing by my bed]: We’re bored.
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.