It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
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The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.
No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?
me: *having prostate examination*
doc: omg, when was this last wiped?
me: WHAT
doc: *pointing to dust on table* i must speak to the cleaning lady
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
“and you are November’s PM yes?”
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
just got my engagement photos
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.
[Me flirting with a twenty something]
Him: When last did you get lit?
Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.
I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.
During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.
This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.
If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing
Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter
“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”
[at my funeral]
So young, how did he die?
He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”
Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
Buzzfeed writer wanted. Must love current events, pop culture and have a Bachelor’s degree and a history of head injuries.