Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*
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Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
“Have you considered living on campus?” I ask.
“For a school that’s 30 minutes away? That’s crazy.” My 17 year old answers.
I eat my chili from a small ice cream bowl with an oversized serving spoon (because all of our dishes are in his room) as I stare sadly out the window.
Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*
Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.
The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
[Date]
Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Her: …
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs
(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions
THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP
“No”
WE WON’T ASK AGAIN
“No”
Ok guys, let’s go. We can’t ask again
Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂
Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.
satan: i am lord of the underworld.
me: Antarctica?
satan: no it’s much hotter.
me: (nods) Australia.
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
[fire alarm]
Hotel California manager: oh no
if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it