It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
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[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
“Dad why was I called Holly?”
cos u were born at a special time of year
“And me dad?”
yes Summer and u too
“And me too dad?”
yes Easter-Egg
break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out
[Space]
No-one: I can hear screaming
why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.
Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??
Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?
Writer: Mission Impossible 9!
Producer: BRILLIANT!
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
I can’t be the only one 😂
Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in
I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.
I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey
GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt
ANGEL: all the time?
GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside
ANGEL: why?
GOD: you keep saying that word
I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.
Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.