AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you
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Humor: the only thing I like dry.
Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.
The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.
If a gym has 75 treadmills, 1 is being used, what do you do?
You go home because it’s your favorite one being used
Math is easy
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.
I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you
Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting
I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.
My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.
It made walls invisible, too.
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store
When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.
Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
Social butterfly? Nah.
I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.
Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.
Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.
Me: I did not.
Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.
Me: I’m not feeding you.
Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.
Retweet to save a life.
#NationalGirlfriendDay
55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans
*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron