Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.
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If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.
Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter
Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language
BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand
BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
3 weeks ago: I can’t get plastic bags for my groceries?!?!! 😠
Today: I can’t get groceries. 😑
Date: Do you practice safe sex?
Me: I use the pull out method
Date: That doesn’t work!
Me *pulls out accordion*
Date: I don’t want to have sex with you
Me: It always works
You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.
2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.
WORD: wanna see paste options?
ME: no it’s fine
WORD: but check out these paste options
ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it
WORD: 🙁
ME: fine there I looked now move the box
WORD: 🙂
ME: it’s still there
WORD: which was your favorite 😐