This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.
KID FREE for DAYS!
So I licked her face.
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ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here
Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please
WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?
ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate
Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself
Me: I see
Gf: Are you gonna over-react?
Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do
Ex Gf: what
A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
God: you’re a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: w-what was that?
Baby Shark: sorry go ahead.
God: a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: that’s like super annoying.
Baby Shark: hee hee.
God: doo doo doo-great now it’s stuck in my head.
I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.
The human personality is made of five key elements
I asked my husband to babyproof the cabinets in the kitchen and he did, but now I’m mad that I can’t get into the cabinets in the kitchen.
[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?
Me: No
Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?
Me: Because he’s met me
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]
I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”
11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?
Me: no more YouTube before bed.
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
worst…sale…ever
[bank heist]
rob: what’s the plan
me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank
rob: it’s “rob”
me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank