Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”
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Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story
2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
This could be us… but you playing
Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores
One cake enters. No cake leaves.
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did
My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!
My husband woke me up in the middle of the night, no, NOT for sex, but to ask me if I have any “dank memes”.
You don’t even wanna know how I beyond annoyed I am today.
I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens
JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?
*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*
ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”
*thief runs by, steals gold*
“Hey! You!”
Au, got it. Next element.
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.
*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*
Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,
jesus f****** christ i suppose we have to do this shit again
i mean good morning
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: i’m on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire
HIM: i meant like-
ME: everyone claps