I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
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After 35, your body ages in dog years
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it’s after you hit their mailbox with your car.
When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines
“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever
[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?
I threw a ball for my dog.
May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.
When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
[First day of zombie apocalypse]
Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.
Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-
[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?
trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater
I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.
The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette
You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun
me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES
NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
ANGEL ON MY SHOULDER: You should do that important but onerous task
DEVIL: No! Ignore it and have fun!
ME: Hm. Okay, compromise: I’ll ignore the task, BUT I also won’t have any fun
ANGEL: That doesn’t–
DEVIL: wtf, dude, no
ME: *scrolls through Twitter for 3 hours*