Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it
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Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious
Anyone want a chair?
The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You’ve been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed.”
Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
[documentary on bees]
“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
I would guard your potatoes so hard.
FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.
SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.
Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*
When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:
– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch
The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.