I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.
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Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”
5yo: “Yes!”
Me: “What colors?”
5yo: “The same!”
Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?
4: I taked it out of the trash can.
Me: *eye twitches*
Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.
A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune
WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break
i did the math
Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
My husband asked what I wanted for Valentine’s day
Apparently ‘a night out with my boyfriend’ is not an acceptable answer
Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
I got high and hid snacks from myself, this is the worst scavenger hunt ever
5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.
I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping
Day 1 of healthy eating
So good to be eating healthily again. I feel fitter and better in myself already
Day 2 of healthy eating
I miss cheese so much I want to cry. I’ve forgotten the taste of chocolate. Vegetables taste of sadness and resentment. I’ve never known such misery
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.
-“I’m 21.”
Omg eww, get away from me!
wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT THE LAST 4 TIMES:
-Sad
-Embarrassing
-Pretended it was a scheduling issue but they knew I was lyingCANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT TODAY:
-Brave
-Iconic
-Protecting the world by not letting a stranger put his fingers in my mouth