Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
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United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
#FunnyLife Insects
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday
Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out[Later]
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”
“That’s right.”
“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”
“Yes”
“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“
“—figgy pudding yeah.”
Ooh I do like a good funnel
I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.