“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
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i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it
You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.
My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
National Margarita Day is like any other day except…
“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”
*passes out*
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
My favorite animal is fried chicken.
I cannot stop laughing at this
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
Twitter: Ed Asner died
Me: Aw that’s so sad. What a great actor
T: Betty White is trending
Me: AAAAAAAAAA!!
T: She’s fine
Me: Why would you do that?
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.
Me: Ugh…where am I?
Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.
M: WHO’S THERE??
*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*
DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.
M: HEEEELP
D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN
good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*
Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
How did girls text before emojis?
Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP
Every year, my childless (by choice) brother tries to find the most annoying toy on the planet to send to my kids for Christmas. So this year for his gift, I’m sending the kids for a visit and to keep them entertained, I’m sending all the toys, too.
“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.
onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.