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History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”
You mean like NOW?
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.
me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.
them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to
me: that’s better
I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
Hot pockets… cook on high for 1 minute, let cool for 27 years!
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
Updating my 2014 MacBook and you would think I am diffusing a bomb. It’s been two hours and the fan is going so hard it sounds like it’s preparing for take off
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
Not a lot of people know this but if you tell someone with chronic pain that they should “just try meditating” then they are legally allowed to poke you in the eye
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”