Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
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My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.
my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
me: yes
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?
Obama: Well, I’ve alw–
Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?
me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john
So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted
Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.
My husband and I made appointments for pedicures and when we got to the salon the person assigned to him is a guy and watching my husband awkwardly try to act like he isn’t enjoying his foot rub is giving me life.
Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.
Husband: It just happened.
Me: But it was in the past.
Husband: It was five minutes ago.
Me: In. The. Past.
Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.
[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD
I got sunburned at the beach and now my husband won’t listen to anything I say because he doesn’t “take advice from tomatoes.”
3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me:
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible
7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*
Took my Airpods into the Apple Store yesterday. They sounded tinny and distant. Turned out I had them in the wrong ears and back to front. I am an award winning technology columnist. This is my story.
Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—
Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird
me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god
[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer presentCop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!