INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
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had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
Job interview
HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?
ChatGPT cannot be stopped.
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.
Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
Stranger: Twitter is awful.
Me: It really isn’t most people are nice.
Stranger: But there are bad people…
Me: Sure, I just block them.
Stranger: See…there…you can’t do that in RL.
Me: Yes, you can….watch….(walks away from them).
Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –
Me: And I must never open it?
Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.
“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.
Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.
*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed
-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)
“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!
Me: Oh, that is so sweet-
K: *pull out paint*
Me: You really don’t-
K: *pull out glue*
Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-
K: *pull out glitter*
Me: Christmas is cancelled.