3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
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I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.
Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
9:30 in the morning, the woman behind me in line says to her toddler “No, I don’t think they have ice cream right now, nobody eats ice cream this early in the morning,” just as I turn around holding a giant cup of vanilla soft serve.
My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.
Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.
Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?
Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*
If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me
Her: like a mom
Me: haha exactly, and—
Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili
Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”
Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
{Annual Introverts Conference}
speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better
her: babe!
me: wait, I want to word this tweet right
her: BABE!!
me: and send… what was the question?
minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?
me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}
Otters drive ottermobiles.
I hate my earbuds.
Father’s Day Fun:
1) Walk up to a complete stranger at lunch with his family.
2) Hug him.
3) Tell him ‘Happy Father’s Day dad’!
4) Run.
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday
Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.