I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
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A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
Carl: “It’s chilly out.”
Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”
“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”
“Fair enough, Carl.”
just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…
Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!
Wife: I don’t like where this is going.
Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.
Wife: I’ll be at the bar
What is going on? 😅
Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.
Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105– Fancy restaurants
Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call
BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?
ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning
BOSS: why a clown though
there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing
I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.
[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ