What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*
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Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.
Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.
SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife
A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
this chia pet tastes awful
One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
[job interview]
Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?
Me: Sure, go ahead
Interviewer: [dials number]
Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
🤣😈🤣
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
[Divorce court]
Judge: The reason you’re divorcing is “he’s annoying?”
Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike”
J: Baliff, throw him in jail
origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“
[Flat-earth expedition log]
Day 746: We continue to sail West in search of the edge. Earth is much larger than we believed & surprisingly repetitive. We sailed past another island with huge stone heads on it. That’s the third one so far.
Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.