me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
You Might Also Like
Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend
Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.
If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔
In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.
(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE
First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.
Kidnapper: We have your wife.
Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
“Have you had a shower today?”
Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
[fire]
EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.
Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you
Me: ok
Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory
Me: oh no
i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
5: daddy can I tell you a secret?
Me: sure thing buddy
5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands
*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
Romeo: Juliet is the sun.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.