Me: I’ve brought a urine sample
Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample
Me: There was a lot of traffic
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robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
me: hey there delilah what’s it like in new york city
delilah: real estate prices have skyrocketed making it impossible for people to find housing and forcing them to commute from further away, adding stress and expense to their already overburdened lives
me: ..you’re so pretty
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.
If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!
Kids: Church?
god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…
Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?
My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.
If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.
SON: *first word* momma.
MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?
Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.
Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.
Me: No, not like that.
How to end an interview:
1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN
*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN