1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .
2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.
3rd Guy: I agree.
4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.
1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.
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My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.
New Guy: No problem. And do we-?
Me: Thats it! You’re fired!
Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.
I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way
2021
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Managers: wut?
In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.
~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.
[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
Waiter: May I recommend the steak?
Dracula: You may not
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?
copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.
My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.
[ brings ouija board to your grave ]
“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”
The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.
My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.