“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game
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IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.
me and who
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal
[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”
Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
Cashier: Want carry-out help?
Me: Please
*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries
The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.
Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight
I hope this email finds you in a well
Reasons to have a landline phone:
1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing
2. See reason #1
I told 14 to put the towels from the washer to the dryer 4 hours ago. I asked an hour ago if he did and he said yes.
He never turned the dryer on. I guess that shit’s on me for not specifying.
going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous
[Job interview]
“How would you describe yourself?”
“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”
“Anything else?”
“Over-literal sometimes.”
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.
*sees locks of hair on floor*
*looks at daughter*
*looks at American Girl doll*
“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”
My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.