Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
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When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.
Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
i’m so bad at identifying internet scams. i’ll get an email that will literally say something like “click this link to send us your social security number and bank info and we’ll steal all your money” and i’ll be like “what could they mean by that?”
My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later:
People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.
[first day as an undercover cop]
mob boss: and here’s a pamphlet on our comprehensive benefits plan
me: [turning off mic] does this say FOUR weeks vacation?
Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”
Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired
WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen
I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].
Credit Card Company: Yes sir, I see the bogus charges. We’ll take care of that.
Me: And…the other thing?
Credit Card Company: No sir, just because they tried to steal your identity doesn’t mean they are willing to take your kids.
Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted
ME: It’s a gun fight, don’t say you brought a knife
ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I’m not an idiot
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
you could’ve given me a million hints plus unlimited time and i would’ve never landed on “dua lipa and trevor noah are dating”
[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.