I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
You Might Also Like
Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.
I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee
13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!
Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?
Me: it’s my autobiography.
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*
INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich
“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”
I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars
I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:
a) that we were racing,
And more importantly,
b) that I won.
Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.