Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
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Dogs “play sneeze” to show they’re playing and not being aggressive.
What better way to break the ice with your next eHarmony date?
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
I own 2 crabs. One is happy and the other is grumpy. The happy one is crab A.
The grumpy one is crab B.
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
Me, before kids: I’m going to be one of those moms that always looks put together
Me, today: Pulled a dryer sheet out of my sweatshirt sleeve that I’ve worn all day
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
meow
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases
“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.
help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.
Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter
get you a girl who
Me: hi. I’m maddie. I’m ready to overeat, anonymously
Overeaters Anonymous leader: you’ve misunderstood
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re low on ink
Me: What? I just bought ink
P: You’re low on magenta
Me: I want to print in black
P: You need magenta
Me: wtf I just need black & black is full
P: magennnnta
Me: [buys and installs $30 magenta cartridge]
Me: [print]
P: So, about your cyan
A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. They’ve quieted down. There’s a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.
*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird
me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant