Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.2….
That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know
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Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent
When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
Me: Birds are SO SMART, they fly in formation to conserve energy.
Birds: Look at this idiot, shit on him.
These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.
Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?
Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?
Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
Do you ever think Mario gets home after a long day and his wife is dressed in lingerie and all ‘hey handsome’ and he’s like ‘I had such a long day, if i have to jump down into one more tunnel I will lose it”
When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers
Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?
Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no
Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time
[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
Order here:
More here:
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?
[At the police station]
Cop: can you describe the incident with this *checks notes* this Jabberwocky? Start from the beginning
Me: Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe
Cop: okay what
God: you have eight legs.
Spider: do I-do I need eight legs?
God: tbh no one really needs eight of anything.
Spider:
God:
Spider:
God: also you have eight eyes.
Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.