squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
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*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
pandemic day 1: i hope we all survive this deadly pandemic
pandemic day 664: me and my friends have beef with Elmo now
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
@NoogsCorner
Sub-Zero: Ok fineScorpion: Give me a hug
Sub-Zero: Umm no..
Scorpion: GET OVER HERE
Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
EARTH: Goodnight Moon
MOON: Goodnight Earth
EARTH: Come closer and give me a kiss
MOON: Okay
{millions perish in massive tidal wave}
I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
Researcher: The data are wrong so I sent Jenkins to the lab to review the calculation-process-thingy.
Assistant: Algorithm.
R: No you stay here and help me.
Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
Making friends was so much easier as a kid.
5: This is the smallest finger I have.
Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!
Both: (giggle)
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss
*viking dad at a funeral*
I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
[trying to select cells in a table]
ME: alright, I just need A1 to A20
EXCEL: got it *scrolling*
ME: easy does it
EXCEL: …A15, we’re almost there!
ME: yep, let’s bring it in nice and slow
EXCEL: *breathing heavily*
ME: do not
EXCEL: oops
ME:
EXCEL: A7510
ME: f-in A7510
[Googling]
How many calories in a glass of white wine?
*45 minutes later*
[Googling]
How many calories in a bottle of white wine?
Me: Why aren’t you in bed?
5: I need smooth jazz.
Me: Uh what?
5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)How about your kid?
Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!