When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.
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My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.
I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.
Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong
waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good
me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow
Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?
Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list
Agency:
Me: Children are the future
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $1,600.
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
[First Date]
Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?
*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*
mama: stop that!
monkeys: why hahaha
mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.
With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.
We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: why
Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued
Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure
Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.
-tweeted from my hospital bed
I don’t understand what’s happening here.
Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty disappointed in them ever since though
Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs