Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
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[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out
Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!
Me: idiot
If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking
I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
Cashier: do you want cash back?
Me: I mean who wouldn’t. There’s ring of fire, I walk the line. Let’s not forget his christmas album
Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.
Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.
Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.
The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
So basically life is cancelled
Except workHow convenient
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more
“Extra cheese”
Extra! Extra! More cheese!!
“No olives”
Breaking! Hold on the olives!
~Ex-Newsie working at Subway
[trying to impress a girl]
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *flies off treadmill*
4: can I have two little muffins?
Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one
4: no I want two NOWWWW
Me: let’s start with one
4: NOOOO TWOOOO
Me: just one
4: TWOOOO
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: FINE *gives her two*
4: *eats only one*
Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”
“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
amazing news for movie lovers. i have just RSVPed yes to a wedding where the only person i will know besides the bride and groom is my ex boyfriend
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea
Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake
Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater
(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.