Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.
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Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again
He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”
3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor
I deserve that.
A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: why, what have you heard?
You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.
*novela book bar*
bartender: let me guess books not booze
him: tequila …
bartender: ’bout time here you go
him: … mockingbird
bartender: there it is
Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold
If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.
My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
I was searching for how to hit a deer and survive but now my history makes it look like I’m hunting deer with my car
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great
cushion on the right slightly discoloured
If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.
“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”
“How are your resurrecting skills?”
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”