Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
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Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
Doc Brown: “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads”
Me working from home: “Pants? Where we’re going, we don’t need pants”
[feeding the cat]
Me: Here’s your food, Buddy.
Cat: Buddy is the dog’s name.
Me: Gosh, you’re right. Sorry.
Cat: I’m really hurt.
Me:
Cat: JK, I never listen to a fricken thing you say anyway.
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
[on shark tank]
Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change
Baby shark: I’m out
Mommy shark: I’m out
Daddy shark: …Go on
* gets mugged *
“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”
[job interview]
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Rod can you mute your phone please.
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE
Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.
I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.
God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark
Noah: what’s wrong?
God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes
Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
COVID-1: can only speak in rhymes
COVID-2: forgets the color blue is real
COVID-3: lycanthropy
COVID-4: cries snake venom tears
COVID-5: [REDACTED]
COVID-10: clown absorption
COVID-11: Mothman Syndrome
COVID-12 thru COVID-18: advanced lycanthropy
COVID-19: current crisis
[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
them:
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
them: Shhhh
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”