Remember to think of others this holiday season!
You Might Also Like
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.
– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house
I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo
Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.
*panic sets in.
Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.
*extreme panic sets in
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”
You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.
Eg:
Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force
On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?
God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.
ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped
Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is
{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and
No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
When potatoes get eyes, do they start watching you? If so, we should call those ones spec-taters
sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”