me: I heard you guys have a rule that kids don’t get a peppermint after the meal if they don’t eat their vegetables–is that true?
waiter: ah, nah, we bring them out either way
kids: YAAAAY!!!
me: thanks, bro
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There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.
I will never fall victim to Groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest bullshit you’ve ever heard
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.
Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.
ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.
Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.
Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.
The Rules
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
Her: *Looking at furniture we can’t afford*
Me: You know you can’t have that, why do you tease yourself?[A few hours later]
Me: *Watching sportsball on TV*
Me: *Perks up at cheerleader*
Her: *Just raises one eyebrow*
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.
medium: so you want to contact your wife
wife: *muffled* open the door
me: sometimes I can still hear her voice
wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys
me: it’s like she’s here watching over me
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.