Me: I’ll have a small drink.
Fast food worker: We don’t have a small. We only have large and medium.
Me: *grabs him by collar* THE SMALLEST SIZE CANNOT BE MEDIUM! THAT LITERALLY MEANS MIDDLE!
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Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
True story: A coworker once asked if I’d seen her earmuffs. Noticing she was actually wearing them, I said, “I think the boss said he found a pair. Go ask him.” (I’m evil.) 😆
[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit
I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.
[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
In my day, Frozen 2 would’ve been released directly to VHS with a new Olaf who sounds weird, and we would’ve been GRATEFUL.
“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”
-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-
me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.
Local community Facebook pages are like:
“When is garden bin collection day?”
– “Ours is this Friday, but I don’t live in your area”
– – “This Friday is my daughter Leslie’s birthday”
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!
[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.