Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.
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*wife shakes me awake in the middle of the night*
me: w-what happened
wife: you were talking in your sleep. kept muttering goth this and goth that
me: like what, specifically
wife: like death is goth life and blackberries are goth raspberries
me:[taking notes] oh these are good
[bank]
Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”
Teller: “Checking or…”
Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”
Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”
Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.
Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife
Me: It’s murder monday
Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday
Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?
Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here
I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on
Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
Boss: For your first assignment I need 500 words about the healthcare debate by Friday
Me: *lied about going to journalism school* Oh wow ok umm
Bad
Unhealthy
Debateful
Shouty
Sadfaceemoji
Scary
Awkward
Hashtagnotgoals
Angr-
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*
I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
invited to a party: will there be food?
to a wedding: will there be food?
to the gym: will there be food?
to an orgy: will there be food?
to an intervention: will there be food?
to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?