There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.
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Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.
When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.
Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*
we’re gonna need another temp
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.
Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke
-hearing my dog about to puke
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )
My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.
9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise
[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say
just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined
I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??