all toddlers look the same when telling a story
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the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS
[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in America
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
*In church
9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…
Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep
9: oh
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.– Horton Has to Poo
911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?
Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.
How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.
date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
thankfully, most bananas are boneless
Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.
I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.
Alexa, make me look good naked.
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers
Woman: you mean he’s
Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care
me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster
Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.
Hagrid: you’re a gizzard Harry
Harry: i’m a what
Hagrid: a blizzard
Harry: a what
Hagrid: a scissors
Harry: what
Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward