Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.
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My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know
Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat
Monopoly banker (inspecting check): Um, I’m gonna have to call the manager.
Giant metal shoe: I’ve been doing business here FOR 20 YEARS.
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
SURE IF YOU LIVE IN THE WOODS THERE IS A NON-ZERO CHANCE YOU WILL BE TORN APART BY SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU BUT I CAN GUARANTEE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT PODCASTS AGAIN
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
I came back from the grocery store with a bag of fresh vegetables and when my wife asked what I’d bought I said it was a bag full of good intentions
*A demon tries to posses my soul while I sleep but can’t because he’s choking on all of the axe body spray I’m wearing*
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.
******************
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR CAT: Me too.
Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
[looking at photo album]
Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy
Son: Why is your hair spiky…
Daughter: …and long in the back?
Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.
pat pat
So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.
I’m really not seeing the down side here.
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: “Probably not bees,” says one scientist. “Dear god what if it’s bees?”