My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.
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I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.
What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…
has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
How to make friends as an adult:
1. Say “we should hang!”
2. Do not hang.
3. Say “we should hang!” 6 months later.
4. Cancel.
5. Reschedule.
6. Respect their cancelation.
7. Reschedule.
8. Actually hang.
9. Say “we should do this more often!”
10. Die.
Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?
Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–
Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.
*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.
Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*