Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
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eye doctor: please read the top line
me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad
eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.
ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it
My 4yo twins spent half the morning yelling “Alexa watch this!!” and when they finally walked away Alexa asked if I could find her a new home that doesn’t have kids
[first day as EMT]
Me: *checks pulse*
Victim’s wife: well?
Me: *shakes head*
Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head
People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
what is cheese if not milk persevering
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
He’s dead, Jim. Bought the farm. Bit the pita. Shanked the llama. He’s a shit piñata. He’s gone elf. Dropped the fudgsicle. No more potatoes
I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.
Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there
Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.
Three things that are certain in life~
1) Death
2) Paying taxes
3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….
I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.
Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s