#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
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My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He’s going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you
ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator
A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice
My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.
I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”
So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
Do Re Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me
– Kanye West warming up
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
My 3 yr old nephew: I learned numbers at school today.
Me: Cool, tell me a number you learned.
3: P & H
Me: this new math is challenging
I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.
Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
mom: please, please just go play with the other children
christopher robin: *googling how to order zoloft* I can’t the stuffed donkey I’m friends with is clinically depressed
oh u like geography? name every lake
[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”