“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
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YOU: Your guess is as good as mine
ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?
YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
trainer: what’s your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
Me- Tonight’s menu consists of savory wild fowl and a side of greens a la creme de mushrooms complete with a robust sprinkling of onions
14- So Turkey and green bean casserole again?
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired
Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.