My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward
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Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards
going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.
This will never not be funny 😭
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.
HBO
HBO GO
HBO NOW
HBO MAX
HBO RAGNAROK
HBO TOKYO DRIFT
MAX
Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
My favorite thing about Twitter is that you can broadcast your opinion about anything, defend your opinion in an argument, and always run the risk of the person arguing with you being the one who literally created the thing you’re arguing about.
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you’re interested by repeatedly asking “why doesn’t our lawn ever look that nice?”
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants
I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.
A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.
I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.
I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby
2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us