One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
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[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
2 goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says “YOU MAN THE GUNS, I’LL DRIVE!”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(I’m not deleting this)
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…
-My best pickup line
FINE, I WON’T.
I told my daughter she had to donate two toys to the community toy drive and she picked two of her sister’s toys to give away so I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be a CEO someday.
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
Me: Push!
Grandkids: But, you’re heavy.
Me: What did the sign say?
Grandkids: No children in shopping cart :((
Me: Rules are rules.
There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..
E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band
[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
*gestures to my unmown yard*
“I’m choosing to let my yard grow wild, to help the pollinators.”
*waves at a stack of dirty dishes*
“This, too, is for the pollinators.”
*trips over a pile of dirty laundry”
“Pollinators.”
I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.
Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.
If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious
Amen