Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.
Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…
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Cashiers are always checking me out
[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!
Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.
Me at 20: I better stretch before I do a work out so I don’t strain my hammys!
Me at 40: I better stretch before I go to sleep so I don’t strain my neck.
I have a black belt in leather
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear
Him: cuts ear off
Her: I just wanted u to listen to me
Him: nah, I’m good
Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions
Me: Oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Wife: Over there
Robber: What’s the code?
Wife: 5743
Robber: What do you want for dinner?
Me: oh no
Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god
genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
[later]
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list
I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.
What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?
I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps
Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
At my age, my passwords are protected by amnesia.
911: What is your emergency?
Me: I love you.911: Hang up.
Me: No you hang up.911: Stop.
Me: This is so us.
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”
[Safari hunt]
(Ok don’t tell them I’m an elephant)
*Adjusts hat and shades*
“Elephant?. Yes that way.”
*Points with trunk*
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.
Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
Eating my way out of the ball pit.